the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
