we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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