we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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