I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
whose ass print is on the piano?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
