he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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