just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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