Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
