If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
