some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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