im gay
i know
yea but for you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
