that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wear drunk well.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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