Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
