whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
They are going to name an STD after you.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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