goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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