I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
