she woke up with a sticky ear
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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