Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
