when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
