he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
