McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
