Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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