There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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