I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
