i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
