just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
