so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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