Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
