A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
