Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
