Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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