you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
