Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
