i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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