I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize