A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
