she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
