Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
