We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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