sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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