The maid of honor just puked.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
