I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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