Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
