Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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