Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
