this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
