I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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