Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
