can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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