No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
