I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
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