I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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